


Wrapped Up

by butterfly23



Category: Jessie J (Musician)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 11:23:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17682521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterfly23/pseuds/butterfly23
Summary: For Jessica.





	1. One

The room I was staying in was nice. I mean, it was bigger than I would ever ask for. Rose explained that we would go out shopping and soon make a list of all that I would need. I kind of felt bad for them spending so much money on me, but I guess that's what foster parents do. 

I had met the majority of the immediate family. Rose and Stephen's two out of three daughters, Hannah and Rachel. I guess they were kind of like my sisters now. I had met both their husbands and their children briefly, the happiness in the family apparent. I had one daughter of theirs left to meet. I would have met her with the other two before I was adopted, but believe it or not, she was halfway across the world on tour. I had been adopted by Jessie J's parents. Okay, that wasn't something any kid could say.   
The other two women I met had their own lives and from the time I had spent with them, I knew that they would make me feel at home. They just kind of had that feeling around them and I assumed that it was because they had kids. Another thing which I noticed within this family was that they are very honest. I was constantly asked if I was okay and reassured that I could talk to them whatever time of day it was. I liked that. 

"Dad!" I heard from the kitchen, the front door letting in a bitter breeze before closing again. The general talk and whatever was made and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was nervous about meeting new people full stop. Briefly after, Stephen came into the kitchen with a smile on his face. That's another thing, they weren't afraid to show their emotions. I don't know how I would get on with that. Behind the family-man was a well-dressed, tall skinny woman. When I say well dressed, I mean fancy. Fancy as in nice black jeans and a top which looked too expensive. Let's forget about the jacket.

"Jessie, this is Amy." Stephen proudly stated. The woman smiled and awkwardly waved a little, my own smile feeling a little too forced. 

"Right," Stephen started, clapping his hands together. "We have a few bits and pieces to do in the kitchen and then Mum should be home from the shops. We're cooking you girls a good 'ol Roast." 

Stephen always made me laugh about how enthusiastic he was about the tiniest of things. I admired him for keeping his sense of humour while growing up.  
In a short amount of time, I was mixing some cake mix together. It was said that it was for a neighbour’s birthday but I'm not quite sure; words just kind of floated by my ears long enough for me to only listen once. Jessie was washing up and humming along to the radio, making jokes with her dad. They got along like a house on fire and I even managed to laugh at one or two of the jokes.

"So Amy, you've stolen my old room then?" Jessie suddenly asked, it sounding more like a statement than a question.

Nervously, I glanced over to her and slowed down the mixing. 

"I didn't really know it was your room..."

Jessie laughed, "Do what you like with it. It's the biggest compared to Hannah and Rachel's." 

I smiled a bit in response, turning my concentration back to the mixture in front of me. Stephen wandered into the living room while the silence carried on, my arms growing tired already.

"It's okay, y'know."

What?

"I know it's probably scary and out of your comfort zone but it's okay." 

Here comes my big mouth. 

"You don't know, don't lie." 

Jessie was silent for a few moments, but then she turned to me and surprisingly spoke up again. 

“Okay, I don't know." She started while crossing her arms. I tried to pay attention, honest. "But I know that you're safe here and we’re here if you need anything.”

Her tone was gentle but still solid enough to make an impact.

Jessie shrugged a little as if it were nothing, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

Then it was quiet. Jessie was clearing some things away into the cupboards and I'm not sure where Stephen went. I was leaning against the side scrolling through my phone when I heard her voice start up again. It already sounded familiar and homely. Is that possible? 

"I'm rehearsing for my tour tomorrow... I know it's a bit random but Mum and Dad said you've been a bit bored. Do you want to come and watch?"

"I'm fine thanks." 

It almost automatically came from my mouth. I didn't even know if that's what I wanted. 

"Sure?" She asked again, raising her eyebrows a little and smiling. "You can come out shopping with me after if we have time." 

"Your parents have spent enough money on me already." 

The smile on her face dropped. I didn't know why... I thought she was just being dramatic.

"Okay," she started, dropping the dishcloth onto the side and scrambling around in her mind for the words to say. “If you change your mind, just let Dad know.”

“Okay.”

I wanted this to stop. Right this minute, I didn’t like it. Whatever that was… she just looked, irritated? Disappointed? I never liked meeting new people. 

“I’m going to my room. I’m tired.”

I mumbled, awkwardly placing the bowl on the side before leaving the kitchen much to Jessie’s protests. As much as I liked to be alone in my room, this time it felt different. It didn’t feel like my room. I assumed it never would, but I wanted it to. Sad, isn’t it? When you don’t even feel at home in your own bedroom. Surprisingly I was left alone until the food was done which I appreciated. I could never tell them that, though. That would be embarrassing.   
Dinner was okay and I kept quiet. I think Rose and Stephen had grown used to it. During the first few days after I had come ‘home’, they tried to get me to talk more and overall get involved instead of just sitting there listening and not interacting. They tried, I guess. It didn’t work. Why do you have to talk 24 hours a day to be considered okay? I couldn’t help but think that they were disappointed. Shortly after dinner, Jessie had to leave to get home and prepare for tomorrow or something. The thought of actually accepting her invite for the following crossed my mind, but only briefly. It wasn’t until when I woke up the next day when for some reason I do not know of, I wanted to go. Or at least, I wanted to get out of the house even if it was to just sit in another building all day and watch Jessie rehearse.

“Stephen?” I called out, just loud enough for him to hear over the kettle boiling in the kitchen. 

“Yeah?” 

Something in my throat blocked me from speaking anymore, my mouth opening and my body just freezing as the words swam in my head and I panicked. 

Stephen turned a little, “What’s wrong?”

“Can I go watch Jessie rehearse?” I spat out quickly, shouting at myself for being so dramatic. 

I almost froze again when Stephen simply looked at me, pausing for a second… looking… shocked? 

“Yeah… yeah, of course.” He stuttered, placing the milk on the side. “Let me just get my coat on and I’ll take you.”

Stephen called ahead to Jessie and let her know we were on our way and luckily, it wasn’t that far from the house. Well, it was far… but it didn’t seem like it. It was comfortable for once and we were there before I wanted it to end which was a first in my life. 

“Just ask Jessie to give us a call when you want to come home and I’ll pop in the car and pick you up.” Stephen explained, pulling up outside a building with a huge black door in   
the middle of it. “Have a good time, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I mumbled, smiling a little before opening the door and picking my bag up. “I’ll see you later.” 

The car door was gently shut and it pulled away, leaving me to turn around to the stage door which was all fancy. I didn’t even know where to go. Cautiously I made my way forward, pushing the door open after pulling my bag onto my back. I pretty much looked like Dora the Explorer. In a building. Who couldn’t talk to people to save her life. 

“Hi, can I help you?” 

My head whipped round once I had heard the voice in the white wash corridors to be greeted with a young looking man, dressed in black with wires over his shoulders like headphones. 

“I’m… I’m here to see Jessie.”

The young man smiled, “You must be Amy?” I nodded. “Come on, she’s just in her dressing room going over a few things. This way.”

Whoever he was, he was nice. I liked him. We trekked through the corridors until the white forest grew bigger and louder as we grew nearer the actual stage I assume. People were strolling around, talking through headsets or moving heavy containers with their bare hands. 

“I’m Lewis, by the way. I play guitar for Jess.” The man announced, turning and smiling to me again. That sounded pretty cool, if I was honest. “I’ll make sure you have fun today,   
don’t you worry.”

After telling an awful joke to me and actually encouraging a laugh, we reached a white door with a laminated piece of paper on saying ‘Jessie J’. Lewis knocked gently and pushed it open, allowing me to go first. Behind the door was a huge open room filled with sofa’s, a table full of every food you can think of, a TV, games, a ping pong table and whatever else you could want in one room. 

“Changed your mind, then?” the familiar voice asked, a scruffy looking woman in jogging bottoms appeared from another door. I wouldn’t lie, she still looked beautiful. “Help   
yourself to food and whatever else you like.” 

“Heads up!” 

Luckily, I turned to see the bottle of Sprite being thrown directly at me by some other guy aiming for Jessie and I caught it instead of it hitting me square in the face. 

“Nice catch.” He mumbled, smiling and looking back to Jessie who had her eyebrows raised. 

“I would prefer it if you didn’t try to kill her before she even had a chance to enjoy her day.” 

Other people were introduced to me over the course of half an hour. Some were band members and some were just people there, helping with whatever they could. They all seemed really friendly but I just couldn’t get to grips with any names. Except Lewis. I knew who he was. 

“Just a heads up,” Jessie started while we were walking to the stage area. “We’re looking at getting like Nando’s or something for lunch. Do you want some?” 

I nodded a little, “Yes please.” 

“Someone will come around just before and we’ll all order it then.”

It was silent for a few moments while we watched the stage being set up. Her band were off tuning their instruments or testing their sound or something so it was just us two. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit awkward. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“What?” 

Jessie sat on one of the arena chairs, “Thank you. I didn’t think you would.”

I shrugged and sat beside her, still clutching to a bottle of water I had picked up. 

“Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I saw her smile a little, “I’m not stupid. I know what ‘I’m fine’ means.”

“I’m okay.” I corrected which made her smile again. 

“I know this isn’t the time or place to talk but if you do feel uncomfortable or something just head back to my dressing room. No one really goes in there unless we’re on break.”   
She explained. 

I began to wonder what she had been told about me. Were the whole family sat down in a boring, white room and told that I was a nervous wreck half the time? Did they even know who I was?

I nodded in response, my knuckles almost white from clutching onto the bottle so tightly. I wasn’t able to relax until Jessie was called onstage to sort some wires out which were attached to her; it all looked too technical. Just then I let my mind wander, too. I had never actually been to a concert before. I would have liked to, but we can’t always have what we want. The stage was how I expected it; huge. But it was much more professional looking than I expected. All the staff there were in black and had serious faces on, looking as if they would yell at you for accidentally getting in their way. Obviously, I simply stay put and didn’t move through the whole thing. It was loud when the music started and I don’t even think that’s as loud as it can get. Jessie sung a few songs which were incredible to test her microphone I think and then the instruments were tested, too. Jessie made me laugh when she did little dances on the stage or made fun of the rest of the band. They would just do it back, too. They all looked comfortable together like a family. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.

“Sorry, was that a bit loud for you?” I heard, snapping me out of my daydreaming which I should really stop. I shook my head a smiled a bit. “We’re ordering lunch now, what would you like?”

It was lunch and I hadn’t even noticed the time going to quick. A few minutes ago, it was something like 10am. Then came the embarrassment following Jessie’s previous question.

“I haven’t had a Nando’s before.” I whispered out, tucking some of my hair behind my ear.

Jessie’s occupied self with all of the packing away came to a halt, the inner ear things in her hands being held still as she simply looked at me with an unreadable expression. Shit.

“Sorry.” I blurted out. The bottle was still clutched in my hands.

Jessie blinked a few times, “You’ve never had a Nando’s? Ever?”

Shaking my head, I shuffled in my seat a little. 

“Do you like spicy food and chicken?” I nodded a bit. “I’ll get you what I’m having. If you don’t like it, you can steal someone else’s.”

“Okay.” I simply replied, the feeling of guilt washing over me for no apparent reason. 

Jessie watched me for a few moments with what looked like a confused look on her face, the wires slowly being pulled from her clothing and some black box in her pocket. The microphone was placed on the side before she mumbled a slight ‘come on’ and I followed her back to the dressing room. Which, by now, was full to the brim of people. People who made me feel as if they were staring at me. The scrawny strange kid who Jessie brought along. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they thought I was some 12 year old who had one a competition to hang with pop sensation Jessie J for a day. Jessie said a few words to Lewis who noted down who wanted what, some other man picking his phone up and dialling numbers. It felt as if the room just kept getting smaller as more and more people joined the crowd. In reality, it probably wasn’t as many as I made it out to be.

Jessie had already busied herself with making more jokes with another new face. I don’t know how she did it. She was just a natural at being in this surrounding. Whereas her little friend, aka me, felt as if her chest was closing in. I still hadn’t moved from the door, so I slowly backed out into the white corridor again and viewed the party from the outside. I often felt like this, and felt more comfortable this way. It’s like watching a party scene in a movie.

I found myself wandering around the corridors for what seemed like hours, but I think it had only been ten minutes. I was completely lost, and every corner I turned revealed a new set of doors which weren’t the one I was looking for. 

Eventually, I walked into the arena again which was now empty and still. I turned back to look at the entrance I came from, and back to the arena in awe at how I managed to find this place. Then, in awe at how huge it was. Without no one watching me I was able to really take the surroundings in, and adjust to how small I was compared to the space. My boots found their way up the side of the stage steps, exploring the stage. Some instruments were left as they were, other packed away. There was a set of a few keyboards in one corner, to which I wandered over and took in all the little buttons. I wonder what it would be like to be able to fluently play. As if it were a bird gliding through the air… you don’t realise you’re playing or flying until you actually think about it. My fingers danced lightly over the keys, pressing down on one and jumping at the sound of a note which filled the air. A wide smile overtook my face as I pressed down on another key, a lower note this time which bellowed around me. The idea that something, someone, so small could make such a huge noise like that entertained me. 

When I was younger, I always wanted to play an instrument. Whether it be clarinet, violin, the triangle for God’s sake. Anything which made a noise, I wanted to learn it. But it never happened. And I don’t want to talk about that. 

I did the same with the drums, except this time I sat on the little black seat and picked up a pair of sticks which had been battered and bruised. Lightly tapping each asset one by one and over and over excited me. It made no beat, no sense… but I was enjoying it.

I imagined what it would be like to be doing this exact thing in front of an audience, the arena being full to the brim and over flowing with people. Of course, they wouldn’t let that happen. Health and safety and all that. They actually calculate the amount of tickets to be able to sell by seeing how big the space is, and seeing how many square feet can fit into that space. Or something like that. Each audience member and their standing ticket is assigned to this little square which is theirs, but I wonder if they actually stick to that space? I’ve heard stories of audience members being sardines and some, who were most likely drunk or high or a combination of the two, who dance at the back where there’s still so much room. I wonder what it’s like to be at the very front, packed like pencils and then at the back where the whole area is yours.

“I can get the guys to show you how to play, if you like.”

A voice froze my body, but the drum sticks fell from my hands and bounced around before settling on the hard floor. 

“What are you doing out here?”

I jumped up, knocking over the seat of the drum kit and making things worse. Everything echoed louder and louder with every knock, and all I was trying to do was to back away.   
Jessie’s face emerged from the side of the stage, pausing when she noticed how startled I was.

“It’s okay,” she started, “I goof around on the kits all the time. They don’t mind.”

All that came from my mouth was the words which I had learnt to say all my life. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to, I won’t do it again.”

Her confused face looked me up and down, and I couldn’t make out what she was thinking. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t figure it out. 

“It’s okay.”

I was frozen, watching her slowly approach. The thudding in my chest spread across my body, and all of the heat in the room suddenly surrounded my cheeks. Even a few meters away, I flinched and stepped back when her arm reached out towards me. 

Her arm retreated.

One of the boys interrupted the atmosphere, and Jessie watched me for answers. I couldn’t give her any. For the rest of the rehearsal I sat up in one of the balconies, watching the people work below and picking at my Nando’s. When the staff started to pack up, someone came and told me that Jessie was ready to leave and they’d drop us both home. I don’t know if I wanted to go with them, but I didn’t really have a choice.


	2. Two

I walked straight to my bedroom when I got back to the house, leaving the silent Jessie on the doorstep with Stephen. 

“Come in for a cuppa, tell us about your day.” he suggested. 

It was muffled, but I could hear the words.

“I’m just going to go home. Thanks, Dad.”

The house was quiet for a week or so. I only left to go food shopping with Rose, but I don’t think any conversations were held for more than a few minutes. I spent most the time in my room, watching films from downstairs that I’d never even heard of. Rose was constantly on the phone. To either Jessie or someone else about me. I felt guilty… but then again,   
I wasn’t quite sure what I felt guilty about. It was all so confusing, so I tried to cover it up with occupying myself with the DVDs.

“What film did you watch today?” Rose asked at dinner, helping herself to another serving. I wish I felt comfortable enough to do that because my stomach was far from full.

“Uh…” I started, staring at the steaming dish in front of me. “Toy Story?”

Stephen smiled, placing his drink back on his placemat. “Jessica and the girls loved that film. We even had a Toy Story themed party for Hannah’s birthday one year.”

Rose laughed a little at the thought. “Hannah wanted to be Jessie, so our Jessie was upset.”

“And our Jessie ended up being Slinky.”

I smiled at the thought, the other two laughing. Rose offered me some more food, which I gladly accepted and let her pile on my plate. I liked the film, it was funny. It really let me think about nothing but the heartwarming characters.

“It was the first time I saw it.” I confessed, watching the hot food let off its steam.

I didn’t let them know that I saw their expressions. Obviously, it was a shock. But what did they expect?

A few moments of silence was interrupted by Stephen clearing his throat.

“We should watch the second one tonight.”

“There’s a second one?” I perked up, looking at him.

He smiled. “And a third. I think they’re even bringing a fourth out… but I doubt it will be as good as the others.”

Rose nodded, “Would you like to watch it, Amy?”

Without even thinking it through I nodded back. I’d been doing that a lot more. Not thinking things through, I mean. Small things like agreeing to watch TV with them or going shopping, which would have been horrible for me to think about a month or so ago were becoming like a piece of dust. I didn’t notice it, and it was so small.

After dinner was tidied away, Stephen dug out the DVD and Rose found some popcorn stashed away in the cupboards. I had a whole bowl to myself. Not going to lie, I was slightly excited. 

“Jess said she would try to pop over tomorrow morning before leaving.” Rose spoke to Stephen, putting her phone away.

“That will be nice.”

I assume they meant leaving for tour. I hadn’t been to another rehearsal, although deep down I wish I had. I hadn’t really spoken to Jessie, either. Like I said, it had been quiet.

“How long is she going for?” I squeaked out, pulling the blanket up over my legs.

Stephen had perched by the TV, fiddling around with one of the wires. “I think she said two months, but we usually go and see her at a few of the dates. It depends really where she is.”

“I thought we could travel to the Birmingham dates and make a weekend out of it.” Rose suggested, and then went on to say something else. I had zoned out. Which, again, I do a lot of.

Toy Story 2 was just as good, and I liked the new characters. It took my mind off of what I was going to do over the next few months. I had another year of school to go, and then sixth form or college or whatever. I hadn’t really thought those through, but I know that Stephen and Rose wanted to talk to me about it. The deal was to let me settle before attempting the last year, but I wasn’t quite sure of what the criteria was for being settled. 

The morning came soon enough after my head hit the pillow, which I was thankful for. It is so irritating waking up constantly and I usually wake up even more exhausted than before I slept. I crept downstairs after getting dressed and made my way into the kitchen. Rose and Stephen were out the front talking to some neighbours, so I made myself comfortable on the sofa with the hum of the TV just about filling the room.

After a while, the familiar sound of Jessie’s voice caught my attention as she greeted her parents outside. I heard them all speaking about how Jessie was feeling for her tour in the doorway before she announced she’d put the kettle on for everyone. After the flick of the switch was heard in the kitchen, she appeared in the living room.

“Hi.” she said as she made her way to the TV. “I hope you don’t mind, I’m going to steal some DVD’s to watch on tour.”

I shrugged, “It’s okay.”

She kneeled in front of the case full of movies and began to pick out a few.

“You’ve been watching Toy Story, I see?” she asked, picking up the DVD case.

I smiled a little and nodded.

“Which one is your favourite?”

Good question. “I love them both.”

Jessie smiled at my answer, “Right. I can’t choose either. We had a themed party once and I was so upset because I couldn’t be Jessie.”

“Your Dad told me.” I replied.

She went back to flicking through the DVDs, Rose and Stephen coming inside and walking into the kitchen. Every so often, she’d pull one out and place it on a pile beside her.

“Do you like films?” I asked.

Jessie nodded, keeping her eyes on the DVDs. “Yeah. When I have the time to watch them and I’m tired enough to sit still through them. But yeah, I like them. Do you?”

I think I did.

“Yeah. I’d like to see more.”

“What about music?” she then asked, placing a DVD on the pile and looking at me.

I shrugged a little, “I’ve never really sat down and listened to anything but I like it. It would be cool to be able to make it.”

“I’ll see if you can come to one of my studio sessions one day. You can see how it’s made if you like.”

Instead of refusing this time, I nodded and agreed.

“Do you play an instrument?”

I shook my head, “I really want to, though.”

You could see she was squealing inside at my interest in music.

“What instrument?”

I paused for a moment before replying, thinking of the one thing I would like to play. I couldn’t pick. I imagined my fingers strumming a guitar and dancing over the piano keys.   
But, I also imagined myself giving it everything I had to hit the drums.

“Everything.”

My Dad not letting me play anything when I was younger had only stored up the passion and let it build. I wanted it all and I had only just realised that. I don’t think I would like to go onstage and play for people, though. I would just like to make something. Something that has some meaning. To me, that would be enough. 

Jessie’s smile appeared and she looked away. “I like how you think. I wish I could play the piano.”

As Jessie was a singer, I assumed she could play an instrument. It dawned on me how I actually knew nothing about her. We continued to make small talk until her parents came in with hot drinks. They made a comment about how Jessie always started something, then became distracted and never finished the task. Just like she had done with making tea.  
Half way through her tea, Jessie’s phone started buzzing and she pulled it out her pocket. She hadn’t moved from beside the tower of DVDs she had built, her eyes widening as she placed her mug on the side.

“I’m so sorry, the car is picking me up in an hour and I haven’t even packed.”

Stephen laughed a little, “Why do you always leave things until the last minute?”

They said their emotional goodbye quickly and I had a wave from Jessie, her eyes bloodshot and a lump in her throat. It was two months, I don’t blame her. Within minutes, the house was quiet again. I could still smell her perfume and the rejected DVDs were still in a messy pile by the TV. 

The days went by and I started to notice how quiet the house was. When Jessie came to visit, it was full of laughter and shouting and singing. Now, when Rose and Stephen were busy and Hannah and Rachel weren’t there, it was silent. 

I learnt that Stephen did a lot for the community which meant he was out and about everyday. I went with him sometimes and on sunny days, we would stop at a cafe on the way home and get hot chocolate. It was nice. 

Rose would do a lot of tutoring. Mostly it was to young people my age via Skype, but once a day she would visit the local school and do an afternoon session there. On the rare occasion, students would come to the house. That’s when I tried to stay out the way. Talking to other people my age was one of my worst nightmares.

It hadn’t even been two weeks since Jessie left when it happened. I had noticed myself getting more and more agitated at the tiniest of things. Not at people, just things. Little, insignificant things. Creaking doors, floor boards and even the dog barking next door. I noticed my lungs not being able to inhale as much air. I noticed my heart skipping a beat whenever I heard the front door close.

It felt like I was taking a step, but the floor beneath my shoe had been taken away. I was constantly free-falling. 

We sat at the dinner table, a steaming hot plate of food in front of me but my stomach full with anxiety. Stephen was in the kitchen making drinks when Rose sat down opposite me, her knife and fork being put back down when she looked at me.

“Amy, is everything okay?”

I slowly nodded, not making eye contact. The air was escaping my lungs and I wanted to get out. Nothing had triggered me. Nothing had made me feel this way… I didn’t have a reason for any of this which made me feel even worse.

“I need to go.” I whispered, clumsily standing up and walking out the room. 

Stephen nearly bumped into me with two glasses of water, confusion in his voice as he called after me.

As I reached the stairs, my legs froze. I tried to take a step forward and get to my bedroom, but my body started to freeze and I couldn’t move.

“Amy?” Stephen calmly asked, placing his warm hand on my shoulder.

I managed to turn to him, but the tears were already streaming down my face. I had no control over what was happening. My hands were tingling and felt as if they were dissolving off the face of my earth, the rest of my body to follow. But first, the air would be taken from me.

Rose joined Stephen’s side when I spluttered out that I couldn’t breathe, the invisible rope tightening around my windpipe. My knees gave way and I fell onto the stairs behind me, Stephen trying to catch me but missing. I gasped for air and leant against the wall, the hands attached to my body clutching my head and asking for it to stop.

I didn’t want this to be me. I didn’t want to be the girl who sobbed and panicked and felt as if the world was melting away every second. I wanted to be okay, but this thing had a hold of me. I felt as if I was on fire.

After that, I don’t remember much. I don’t want to remember. It was painful and I was exhausted after it passed, Rose helping me upstairs and into my room. I do remember her sitting on the side of my bed, talking to me.

“We just take one day at a time.” I remember.

My pillow was soaked with tears that night.

I woke the next morning feeling the same. Haunted. I lay there and stare at the ceiling, Stephen’s voice gently finding its way into my room. 

“We think she had a panic attack.” 

He was on the phone.

“Yeah, it wasn’t very nice. Mum wants her to see the same person you did when you were younger.”

He sounded defeated.

“Okay, Jess. Speak to you soon, love you.”

He was speaking to Jessie.

I felt embarrassed. I didn’t want Jessie to know what I could be like. The duvet was pulled up over my head and the tears returned. I didn’t understand why I was suddenly so uncomfortable and emotional. Whatever it was, I hoped it would pass soon.

As I wasn’t at school yet, Rose also asked if I wanted some work to do so I didn’t fall behind or get bored at home. I never thought of that as an option, but I instantly said yes if it wasn’t too much trouble. It started off really easy so I guess she was testing the waters before moving forward. It was mostly projects. I chose a book, she gave me a question and I wrote a few pages answering it. I was given a page of math questions and I worked my way through it. Every time I handed the paper to Rose, she smiled and looked impressed. She was even more impressed when she handed them back to me with feedback on them.

I felt good that I was doing something productive with all the time I had. Besides, it kept my head away from the silence and fear. I still had these moments where I couldn’t breathe, but I tried to keep them for the bathroom or bedroom. I tried my best. I really did. I just couldn’t stop from feeling that way.


	3. Three

We had awkwardly discussed before how being a part of Jessie’s life would affect my privacy. Like anyone else, I thought little of the fact. Until I walked round the corner with Rose and Stephen. We had to walk past the queue and front entrance to reach the back door, the cold air hitting my face but my scarf and coat keeping me warm. It wasn’t long before my cheeks started to burn instead of freeze because of the attention. 

It was half way through Jessie’s tour and we were staying in Birmingham for a few days. We had been travelling and shopping the day before and that night, we were seeing her show before travelling back the next day.

Whispers and eyes were subtly looking our way. I glanced to Rose and Stephen and they effortlessly spoke to each other about the show and the day we had, ignoring every single other person in the queue staring. I don’t know how they did it. 

As we walked past the eyes, I kept my head low. Was I meant to say hi? Was I meant to smile? I think I came across rude, but in the moment I didn’t know how to act and I don’t   
think I could have seen clearly through the fear I had in the pit of my stomach.

Just as we turned the corner and I fell behind Jessie’s parents, I heard a clear sentence.

“That must be Jessie’s sister.”

Out of no where I turned and looked to where the voice came from and I was met with two fans looking at me. They gave me an awkward smile and, to my surprise, I smiled back.   
With that, I went back to facing forward as we walked into the venue. 

As we walked through the halls, I started to hear laughter and singing. It instantly gave me this warm feeling inside me, kind of like what I imagined home to feel like. It instantly boosted my mood and took my mind off the walk of embarrassment I took a few minutes ago. 

With a quick knock of the door by Stephen and a reassuring smile sent my way, it was opened and we were greeted by a beaming Jessie. 

“Hello!” she let out, opening her arms up and hugging both of them. 

I stayed behind them, taking a peek inside the room to search the faces. Luckily, I knew them from rehearsals and there was only two of them. Not too crowded.  
Jessie smiled my way and let us walk into the small room, leaving my hug out of the question for the time being. I appreciated that. Not because I didn’t like hugs, but because it felt like she knew I wasn’t quite there yet. I was thankful that she respected that. Well, at least I hoped that was why.

All of us sat and spoke briefly for a while. I sat and listened, smiling at the jokes and silly comments between the family. I don’t know how long we were there but a man gently knocked on the door and announced that the show was starting, cueing us to take our seats and leave Jessie to get ready while the support act was on.

This time, there wasn’t half as many whispers. A few eyes caught us as we found our front row seat in the balcony area, centre to the stage. That was okay, I think I could handle that. It was dark and the chatter was buzzing in the atmosphere as the lights pointed towards the stage. Our attention was on a single man walking into the light, adjusting the microphone stand before he spoke softly into it. 

I remember bits of the support act. Not because they were bad or didn’t capture my attention, but because there was so much going on in my mind. It was my first concert and I didn’t know what to expect. I found myself watching people in the crowd and then switching my thoughts to how I should be acting. Should I be singing along or dancing? I felt odd. The support act was really good, though. I remember him talking to the crowd and pointing a guy out who had been to the show before and how he hit some really high notes effortlessly. 

As soon as it had started, it was time for Jessie to come onstage. The atmosphere changed from a calm sea to a choppy storm while we waited for the lights to go down again.   
Rose looked to me and smiled, “Ready?”

Hesitating, I nodded slightly and sent her a smile back. I was excited to see her sing, but I was also scared of the unknown. I was always scared of the unknown.  
Angelic. Comforting. Happiness. I didn’t know she could sing like that. I don’t think half the audience knew she could sing like that. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Near the end of the show, Jessie sung a song called Who You Are. I noticed a lot of people put their arms around their friends or, what it looked like, start to cry as Jessie spoke. She explained what the song was about and how it made her feel, her audience feel and how she used it to keep going. Then, without making it obvious, she looked up to where we were sitting.

“So tonight,” she went on, taking her mic down from her mouth and thinking about her words.

To anyone else, she was just looking at someone in the crowd. To me, it was as if it was just us two in the venue and I felt my cheeks start to burn again. The mic returned and her focus changed to other people in the crowd.

“Tonight there’s some very special people here. Some of you may know them, some of you may not.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stephen lay his hand over the top of Rose’s as the smiles grew on their faces.

“They raised me. They taught me that it’s okay not to be okay.”

Various heads in the audience turned to look up at them. Obviously, they were the fans that knew more than Jessie’s singles. 

“They also taught me that a family is never too big. Love is meant to be shared. For us, that love is being shared with someone new and I have something to say to that someone.”

My cheeks were burning and no doubt bright red. But it was dark and I was grateful for that. As she went on, her eyes never came back to me.

“It’s okay not to be okay. Tears don’t mean you’re losing. Who you are is not defined by your past.”

I knew that it applied to everyone in that room as well, but hearing those words directed at me… the lump started to grow in my throat.

“This is now. This is your time to find yourself and make mistakes and no matter what happens or what trips you up, we will be with you.”

Then, she sang. 

Who You Are is now my favourite song.

I did shed a few tears during the show, but I made sure not to let anyone see. I was overwhelmed with all of the new senses and experience that I didn’t know what to say at the end of it. Confetti and bows and thank you’s finished the show, a smile still on my face until the house lights came up and illuminated the venue. People left and we made our way backstage.

“Rose?” I squeaked out once we had reached Jessie’s dressing room.

The woman smiled, “Yes, sweetheart?”

I swallowed the fear. “Can I see Jessie on my own first, please?”

Stephen smiled and pat my shoulder, “Sure. We’ll be out the front.”

They both left and I was faced with the white door, a laminated sign telling me who I would find inside. Lifting my hand, I gently knocked against the wood and waited for it to open.

Behind it was a slightly sweaty, messy haired Jessie who was on her own. She looked a bit confused to why I was alone, but it wasn’t a bad look she gave me.

“What did you think?” she asked.

I will always remember that hint of hope and nerves that shone through that question she asked.

Instead of leaving her in the dark, I simply looked down and told myself to do one thing.

At first, I didn’t feel her arms hug back. My own were tight around her waist as I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears. Then, after what was probably the initial shock of me hugging her was over, I felt her arms wrap around me.

“Thank you.” I mumbled into her shoulder.

There was a moment of silence. We parted and looked at each other and Jessie took my hands.

“I meant it. What I said.” 

Again, I swallowed and broke the eye contact.

“You’re never alone, Amy.” Jessie quietly said, “If you want to be, you’re family.”

“I want to be.”

I didn’t even realise I could respond that quick. But it just felt right. My eyes met hers again, a smile on her face.

“I want to have a family that cares about me.”

The smile on her face faltered and her eyes were slightly watery, the response being another hug from her. I didn’t mind. I think I was there.

“We care.” I heard her whisper.

She quickly got changed and we made our way to the front of the venue, the fans long gone and security milling around with the last few outside. Rose and Stephen spoke to Jessie about the show and they laughed a lot which I liked hearing. A few security were milling around, the bar stuff clanking their glasses while tidying up in the background. 

“Where are you off to next, Jess?” Stephen asked, zipping his coat up.

“Um…” she started, pulling her phone out. It made me laugh that she didn’t know. “Norwich. Then Southend.”

Her attention clicked to something else as Rose said something about being busy and looking after herself. 

“Before you go…” she mumbled, walking away from us.

Stephen laughed and rolled his eyes at her. Jessie walked to the counter by the door and spoke to the guy behind it who I think was selling merchandise before the show. She then turned to us and beckoned for me to join her, so I slowly made my way over. Once I reached the counter, she pointed to one of the long sleeve tops which were pinned on a board behind the guy.

“What size?” she asked, looking to me.

I opened my mouth and nothing came out.

Jessie smiled, “It’s okay. Medium?”

I nodded, smiling a little back. The guy handed her the correct size and she passed it to me. It was quite funny to watch him, actually. He nervously smiled and looked flustered   
and I can only imagine it was because of Jessie.  
“Could I bother you for an autograph please?” he mumbled, smiling and hoping.  
“Yeah, sure!” Jessie replied, pointing to one of the posters. “Pass one here and I’ll sign it.”  
He did so and she pulled out a Sharpie as if she was expecting it… well, I guess she had to be prepared. His name was Jamie and the smile only grew as she made it out to him, writing a little message. I’m pretty sure it said ‘thanks for selling my merch’.  
“Thank you.” came from my mouth as we made our way back to Stephen and Rose. I clutched onto the top as if it were gold.  
Rose smiled at us, “Right, we better get back and leave you to get some rest. Don’t be up too late and keep warm in this weather.”  
“Yes, Mum.” Jessie replied with an annoyed tone. They both laughed and hugged.  
I turned to wave at Jessie as we left the building and I almost ran back for another hug. There was something about this family which was tearing down the barriers I had created. They were treating me like a human being and giving me… so much. They gave me so much. Physically and emotionally. I think I was home and I didn’t want to leave Jessie.  
Like clockwork, we returned the next day. The rest of Jessie’s tour was painful. I thought I had passed the worst but I was wrong. Rose took me to speak to someone twice a week and I guess it was helping me as I was speaking about it… but I still felt like I was suffocating. I was home, but I wasn’t all there and I was frustrated.


End file.
